reflections
April 10th, 2011 poetry – dear dead rabbit
please please forgive me
i take a deep breath and cry out
please please cant you see
it wasnt my fault i didnt shout
those were your words
that was your voice
you cant take back what i heard
not even if given a choice
i didnt do it
not this time 
you lie you rape you hit
what you do is a crime
i wont tell i swear on my life
please daddy put down the knife
its my rabbit cant you see
dont you remember you gave it to me
easter last year i had that pink dress
remember it stained with red after you made a mess
i will do what you say dont kill it daddy dont take its life
swallow the scream see the red its to late the rabbits dead
April 10th, 2011 poetry – cutting me away

Loser AgainA sharp object in front of me,
Crimson stained with blood,
the cut across my arm and leg is deep,
sometimes this is almost fun. My secret spot on the floor is cold,
it feels good against my skin,
and it’s as if I’ve never been told,
that life isn’t just pretend. Everyday I tell myself,
that this is the day I’m done,
that this is the day that I’m gonna quit,
but everyday I’m wrong. It’s how I let my feelings out,
how I ease the pain,
the things I keep inside of me,
are coming out again. They wash away with all the blood,
that oozes through my skin,
and just like that it’s all gone,
but the devil’s won again.  Its All I KnowThe urge is stronger than ever
as I lay in my bed
wishing I was dead.So much hurt,
so much pain,
so much hate pouring down like rain.Agony is exhausting,
but my arms itch
for another slit.Everything is wrong.
Where is the good?
All around I feel misunderstood.When did it all become so hard?
Maybe I should give life one last try,
but with every breath… inside I die.I guess my therapist thinks i really don’t want his help.
I can’t tell anyone the truth.
No one knows what I’m going through.I pick up the blade,
press down on my skin,
and oddly enough, on my face is a grin.A shivering thought you could never understand,
but I always seem to find
the pain numbs my mind.The harder I press,
the more thoughts the blade steals,
and the better I feel.How has reality come to this?
I don’t know what to do as I watch time grow.
So as always, I stick to what I know

April 10th, 2011 poetry – feel something

she should feel somethingShe watches movies, prays, listens to music that should remind her of gods love.She reads his word in search for answers.Why doesn’t she feel loved?Why doesn’t she feel worth it?She lives her life in darkness searching for the light, which she cant fine.No one knows the real herThey don’t know how broken she is InsideThey look at her face and they see a woman who is falling deeper into darkness that she cant escape.She cant talk to people about how she feelsShe tries to write it but to much anger that she cant seem to get it out.She tries to draw it but she cant pick up the pencil anymore.So she waits in darkness all alone.While the world turns against her.Her family ignores her.Her friends leave her.People use her.All she can do is wait in the silence of her pain.When inside shes screaming for love, for hope, for something more then this.But shes alone sitting in the silence of her pain.They don’t know the real her.The one who still wants her life to end.Who cant walk away from a razor blade when things go wrong.The woman who looks in the mirror and wishes she was someone else.They cant see the real her.They cant see her cry herself to non existant sleepThey cant see all the scars inside and out screaming for peace.They refuse to see the real her.All they can see is what she appears to be.

April 9th, 2011 some poetry
Lying there staring into nothing
Choked by the thick darkness
A deathly silence fills the air
Filled with dread and anticipation
I play dead
Then a sound sets off a bomb in my head
Slow heavy steps rising from the deep
makes my heart skip a beat
I cant move
I cant breathe
My heart starts pounding
Im scared  but for what
Its not like he is going to stop
The footsteps get closer
Two dark shadows close in
I retreat and set the raven free
They lean over me
I try to scream
But no sound comes out
Now its her voice
That silences the shout
 
 
 
I dont do it for you
I do it for me
I dont do it to show I hate you
Because I dont
I hate me
Sometimes it hurts so much inside
That I have to know Im really alive
When I feel the pain
Of the blade crossing my skin
It feels good to know
That I can still feel
It brings the pain from inside
To the surface for me to see
I dont do it to hurt you
I do it to hurt me
April 9th, 2011 poem silence heard

Spoken into silence
and emptiness again
The words echo off my wall
into loneliness and shame
The stillness of my being
awoken from my sleep
Finding darkness in my soul
lonely tears I weep
Empty words of innocence
of cruelty and of shame
Crying out into the night
into loneliness again
Painful memories so deep
and emptiness I’ve known
I reach for understanding
just to find that I’m alone
Desperate cries in silence
never letting go
Wounds so deep inside me
the pain and death I only know
Sadness has engulfed me
bitter to the end
Pieces of my innocence
shattered by a so called friend
Inside – my trust for them is lost
he took that from me
And in this world of brokenness
there’s nothing left in me

April 9th, 2011 poem – living dead

theres a hole in my soul

where bitterness and anger only grows

deeper and deeper goes the hole

will there ever be a bottom i dont know
this pain reaches new depths
and climbs to new heights
all these secrets can no longer be kept
this pain wants to come to light
the photo album of my soul
stirs up memories
so big and oh so bold
things noone else will ever see
yes i live but part of me died
what you see is not who i am
i smile but theres no feeling inside
whats i am is nothing more than a scam
i cant be real in front of you
besides in that moment
you couldnt handle the truth
i have to fight the urge
i must do my best to surpress
these bad feelings i want to purge
into my mind i mustnt regress
or dive into memories
best left unsaid
so dont you see
ill never be more than the living dead
April 9th, 2011 poem thrill of the chase

its the thrill of the chase

the one memory you cant erase
that look on his face
the line that marks the end of the race
 
its the moments in time
the words with no rhyme
the feeling of only dirt and grime
no atonement for this crime
 
its the fall of all mankind
the path thats so hard to find
the ties that forever bind
a past you can never leave behind
 
its the thrill of the chase
a past you cant erase
a life of shame and disgrace
the lines you mark to end this race
April 7th, 2011 poem take it

nightmare nightmare just go away
i dont want to see you
not here not now not today
yes i know its all true
theres no denying
what he made me do
hush now shut up that crying
start the counting one then two
take it to the face
shove it down my throat
heap on the shame and disgrace
leave me in the sinking boat
swallow it down
belly full of cum
each time wishing i would drown
sick and disgusted by what was done
take it to the face
shove it down my throat
god i hate the way it taste
dignity ended on a sour note

April 6th, 2011 poetry
Pain is always written across my face
I hang my head low thinking what a disgrace
The fears are coming from all the damage you caused
Shall we all just give you a round of applause
I’ve watched you rape me even when i close my eyes
Now the only thing left to do is run and hide
You stole my very soul without my consent
Just tell me why this is the way it went
All I wanted was for you to get off of me
But you daddy wouldnt just let me be
You spit in my face then ripped my shirt
Then you pushed it in to the point where it hurt
I remember it like it was yesterday
Will I ever forget about this and be okay
The thoughts are brutal all I can do is dry my eyes
Sometimes I think why didnt I just die
The demonic man could only tell me lies
All he cared about was being satisfied
I feel dirty disgusted tainted but mostly I feel used
I’ll always know that I’m a victim of his sadistic abuse
 
 
 
The pain is so deep
i cant eat or sleep
hearing voices in my mind
confusing me with thoughts
and memories not so kind
Shaking in utter fear
i cant even shed one single tear
So dead and empty inside
feels like going down a steep slide
Without my daughter i wouldnt be here
feelings of no control giving me fear
So cold and little strength to fight
I pray to god please for her sake
let me make it thru one more night
 
 
Mirror Mirror on the wall
Why is it lately I feel so small
Like a spot of dust on a dirty floor
Like a filthy little whore
Mirror Mirror on the wall
Think back cant you recall
How he uncovered what was hidden
And stole what was forbidden
Mirror Mirror on the wall
Why did you do nothing at all
To tell them what you saw was true
It was always there you always knew
Mirror Mirror on the wall
How far down must i really fall
Covered in armor from head to feet
To make sure no one gets close to me
Mirror Mirror on the wall
Before I walk why must I crawl
Help me know where to begin
Just let me escape this pain that i live in
Mirror Mirror on the wall
Cant you hear my beckoning call
Unable to shed these silent tears
Quieted for so many years
 
The man with the dirty hands hurt me in ways you wouldnt understand my body he ripped apart inside in that moment i knew i had died he said your body i do want to crawl be inside you and feel it all i always thought of him as my friend but what he did brought all that to an end i cant even bare to look at his face or those dirty hands of utter disgrace he goes to church and amens at the pew being a hypocrit to him is not new because of him i lost my soul damage is done and taking its toll damned to hell cursed to flames that nasty man just wants to play games oh god of heaven i hate him so what he did brought me so low the man with the dirty hands hurt im ways noone else can he cost me dignity and brought death to my life now im left with nothing but pain and strife
April 3rd, 2011 poem – i see u child

I see you child who is just like me, hiding behind the big oak tree.
I feel your pain, the tears that burn your cheeks noone will see.
He’s back again, the very one you hate,
can’t run, can’t hide, just stand and wait.
I know what he does is really bad,
it makes you feel like youre going mad.
All trapped inside, no matter what you say or do,
bow your head low i’m so ashamed of you.
When will his memory ever leave you alone,
don’t cry shut my eyes youre already dead and gone