reflections
April 3rd, 2011 poem – the tree
higher and higher are the branches deeper and deeper go the roots
of the tree i climb to get away from his touch
desperation and despair push me upward as he takes hold of my foot
i fight with all i have but his grip becomes to much
scratches on my face scrapes on my legs and arms
over his shoulder i go
carrying me away to that place where he does such shameful harm
i close my eyes cuz i dont want to know
whats coming next for me is not anything new
he takes what he wants
its like watching history repeat itself with your own personal view
close off the mind shut down the pain
disconnect from the body
feeling it will only deepen the shame
hurting me is his only hobby
the joy he feels becomes my utter disgrace
even now im dead inside
as tears unwillingly slide down my face
i realize theres no more places left to hide
April 3rd, 2011 poem – 1 2 3

1 pill 2 pills 3 pills 4 sometimes 5 sometimes more.  U say i have no shame u cant even call me by my name.  It takes all i have just to make it thru oh it feels like hell just to get a visit from u.  The damage u do in those short minutes makes my life unbearable with u in it.  I wish for once u could just let me be free but instead u swing me from a noose hanging on the family tree.

March 31st, 2011 poems – series of 3

The worst part are his eyes
They seem to have no soul
As they probe over my flesh
I wish that I was dead

What right does he have
To steal my innocence away
Im now forever tainted
By the stroke of his hand

I cant feel close to anyone
I push them all aside
The terrible things he has done
Are to sick for me to say

Hes an inhuman devil
Whos created a hell on earth
He treats me like a slave
To his every deviant whim

He makes me feel so filthy
I cant scrub off his stench
The pain that I am feeling
Only ends when I am dead


 

 
 
the devil slept in her bed that night
he broke the glass walls and dismissed
the declared sanctity of her
drunken soul and stole her innocence
he used the sins of others to justify the punishment
she received in this nightmare
the redness of his evil presence covered her wings
and kept her from flight
the restraint of his power broke
as he destroyed her esteem and faith
his force penetrated her space
and caused her life to change
the residue he left behind
cannot be scrubbed off
despite all efforts
the threats and screams
destroy her ears smash her brain crush her existence
she can never correct that night
if only she were able to sense
she could have avoided sleep at all costs
the earthquake he caused in her room
brought no help no one was there
to protect her
the spots on her face
bled as he thrusted his sinful desire
he becomes the eternal epitome of her encapsulation
he leaves and gathers the splinters of the glass
to build up a false enclosure
her blood seeps past it but goes unaware
 
 
 

Outside it is dark and cloudy
The roof does not protect me but
Instead it lets the rain in
Daddy sings a song to me and I say my
Prayers
Doesnt seem like God is listening
Doesnt seem to ever stop
Maybe I dont pray right and maybe
Daddy should stop his song
Stop stop just fucking stop
God why wont you make him stop

Outside the rain is slowing
It is all ending now but
Inside it is still storming and
I am crying dying
Slowly dying inside all alone

March 31st, 2011 poem – dear ol’ mother

You made the bed he forced me to sleep in
The freshly wind blown sheets that were filled
with the pure air of outside
That soon were stained with the shame and guilt
that can never be cleaned
The soft and gentle cloud like feel
of the pillows in there cases
That silenced the screams of pain and agony
that will never be silent
The hand made quilts that were passed on
from mother to their duaghters
That covered the daughter passed on
to her father by her mother
I laid in your place in the bed
where I was made and took your positions
All those incestuous nights
I was your child and I was your escape
Now no longer a child and no longer your daughter
Lay in the bed you have made for yourself dear mother

March 30th, 2011 poem- necklace of pearl

you asked me if i wanted a necklace of pearl

nothings to good for daddys little girl
i said yes all excited as i ran away
not knowing what i agreed to that day
waiting patiently to get in the car
wondering if the drive would be far
i like to find shapes in the clouds
and listen to the music really loud
but what he said wasnt what he meant
on that day no money would be spent
from the door he calls my name
asking if i was ready to play a game
taking my hand leading the way
now the skies just turn to gray
you asked again if i wanted a necklace of pearl
i said yes cuz im daddys little girl
but why are we not leaving in the car
he said baby we not going that far
just down the hall and thru that door
be a good girl and sit on the floor
he already bought it – it must be a surprise
after all i am a child and he is so wise
oh the familiar sound as i turn my head
not again daddy that is what you said
what about the necklace you promised today
its ok baby girl just do what i say
the necklace is here i promise
but first you must give daddy a kiss
oh not there little one place it on my lips
please daddy you’re hurting my hips
you’re holding me way to tight
please daddy this isnt right
take it baby hold it in your hand
but daddy its not a necklace i dont understand
do what i tell you to do
and theres a necklace of pearl just for you
i hate this part why cant he just stop
i dont like what it does when it goes pop
here it comes baby that necklace of pearl
just something special for daddys girl
what happens next was no surprise
i see it coming and just close my eyes
only this time it wasnt on my face
it hung from my neck like some disgrace
a necklace of pearl just for me
but one the world will never see
March 29th, 2011 poem – dont know the real me

In the stillness of the night i sit alone and cry how did my life come to this wondering if i should live or die nothing makes sense anymore even breathing has become a chore everyone thinks im someone else yet the real me cant be seen or felt i live in fear of what my future holds the place im in is so dark and cold i just want to be happy but that was never meant to be i put on a fake smile for the world to see but noone will ever know what its like to really be me

March 28th, 2011 Poem – SPLIT IN TWO
SPLIT IN TWO
There once was a girl who split in two
seperate were they and nobody knew
Each of them carried a life of their own
inside one body two minds have grown
One look in the mirror and it is revealed
two views of one girl that cant be healed
Despised is she who lives inside of me
for i am that girl split in ways u cant see
Split in two each longing for control
of one body two minds and an empty soul
Hidden are secrets each of them keep
stories of horror and nights of no sleep
Seperated by tragedy trapped for life
split in two sown together in strife
Is me the girl who longs for a way out
of a life of division destruction and doubt